I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i think i just lost a toe
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
