Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
