Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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