by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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