thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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