so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
