I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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