she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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