I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
