Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
