how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
