Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
