I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
