Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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