I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
