I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
