Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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