Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
