How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
