just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
