I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
