i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
