yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
