Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
