i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
