Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
