Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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