i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
