there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
third nipple confirmed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
