Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want nice things and good sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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