Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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