found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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