i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
