I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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