tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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