If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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