He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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