I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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