Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
