You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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