Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
