First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
