Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
