Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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