dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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