i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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