You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
