do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
