he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.