I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
