Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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