The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
