Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
