i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
