Just fell off a train. Bad.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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