i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
