I'm eating all of the evidence.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
