Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
