Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
