Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
